Bylanes of Memory
by Deltax003
Summary: Following the death of Padfoot,Remus take a trip down the memory lane. And finds, that with or without a pensieve, some memories are forever...The verses at the start of each chapter are not taken from any song, they are my own.
1. The Graveyard

The Graveyard  
Empty eyes scan the graveyard  
Nothing to see; yet staring hard  
Thinking inane thoughts, dreaming wild dreams…  
Desperately trying not to remember  
Warding off memories that threaten to resurge

A lone man…the last marauder…the respectable professor…the dreaded werewolf…Fate was running out of clichés to describe the desolate figure standing under the afternoon sun, unaware of his surroundings or himself. Remus Lupin stood at the alcove hidden in the shady porch that overlooked the wizarding cemetery. The weather was undeniably strange…sunny and windy all at once. The scorching heat would have otherwise made him quail and the wind was blowing grains of sand into his eyes, but somehow, his mind barely registered all these facts. Shading his eyes with one hand and clutching his wand with the other, he murmured, "Why'd you have to be impulsive this time, Padfoot? Why couldn't you listen to reason for once?" Willing himself to move, he walked slowly out into the sun, and immediately regretted his decision at a cognitive level. Emotionally though, nothing seemed to matter anymore. He was drained out. They said crying eased the pain, but he didn't feel like crying. He technically didn't feel the pain either. He just felt…numb.

He reached and knelt in front of Sirius' grave. There was no inscription on it. He'd never wanted one. There was instead a charmed picture…of a stag, a dog, a rat and a wolf running around, frolicking in the woods. An identical picture adorned the neighboring headstone- that of James. Under that was a picture of a single white lily. Remus reached out and gently ran his fingers over the picture of the three animagi and the werewolf, trying to outweigh the hate and anger he felt for Wormtail by the strong surge of affection and love he experienced when he thought of his other two cohorts. Somehow, he thought wryly, it was much easier to express emotions towards the living than the dead. A sense of suffocation overtook him, as once more, memories threatened to take their toll on him. With a sigh, he got up and walked out of the premises.


	2. The Memories

The Memories  
Bygone moments, bygone days  
Time has cast a misty haze  
Memories that are but a familiar stranger  
Ever so elusive, always in danger  
Of getting lost in the labyrinth of the mind  
Where one can feel, but never find… 

Memories though are very persistent. When you are trying really hard not to think of something, you end up thinking in excruciating detail of that very thing. And what was till yesterday so hazy and just another day in your life, now stands out and shines with that translucent quality that memories tend to have. Remus walked into his single room cabin and unfastened his cloak thoughtfully. Sitting down on the large, shabby but comfortable couch, he reclined back kneading his temples with his forefingers. What had begun as a dull ache had now converted into a fully blown case of a throbbing head. Remus however remained unmindful of the fact, as his mind flew back to the fateful day he met the three boys who grew to be his closest friends, companions in joy, cohorts in mischief and caretakers in pain and sorrow…

It was a not-so-sunny day in September. Remus packed his second-hand belongings into his trunk with a sense of foreboding. His ambivalence surprised him as much as his parents- he knew that for someone like him, he had a lot to be grateful for. Within an hour, he was packed and at Kings' Cross Station bidding a tearful farewell to his muggle mother before he and his father crossed the barrier that he had always dreamed of crossing one day. The one that led into platform 9 and 3/4th. And a new life began.

Helping him with his trunk, his father murmured only for him to hear, "Son, we'd like you to know that your mother and I are very proud of you. We love you very much, Remus, always remember that." Dropping his voice an octave, he continued, "The wolf too is a part of you, Remus. Try to control him. Try to make him as human as you can. But don't disown him." Remus nodded solemnly, choking back the tears that rarely came these days. After all, boys don't cry. Even if they are boys, who are torn apart physically as well as figuratively, once a month, to let out the monster within them.

Settling down in an empty compartment, Remus sat back looking out of the window. The train had moved out of the station now and was gathering speed. A book lay unopened in his lap, as he watched the trees and hillocks speed by. He was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of the door opening. A lanky bespectacled boy with hazel eyes entered the compartment trudging his trunk along. Shifting his weight awkwardly from foot to foot, he smiled politely, though a trifle tentatively, as if to ask, "Can I sit here?" Remus smiled back more out of habit than necessity and gestured the empty seat opposite to him. As the new boy struggled with his trunk, Remus noticed that he had the messiest, most disobedient hair he'd ever seen. It stuck up in the back, as though it hadn't seen a comb in ages. The boy noticed the object of Remus' attention and self-consciously tried to smooth his hair.  
"It just doesn't sit."  
The effort was totally counterproductive, and his hair was messier than before. The whole effect was comic, eliciting a genuine smile from Remus. The new boy gave a crooked grin, and held out his hand. "Potter. James Potter."  
"Remus Lupin. What year are you in?  
"First. And you?"  
"Me too. I was just reading our charms text. Sounds interesting, this spell…see, you can charm a piece of parchment to talk back to people."  
"Really? Show me that…" James leaned over to have a look, when the compartment door slid open with a resounding blast. A dark-haired boy with a roguish grin and gray eyes slid in followed by a shorter, plumper boy with watery pale blue eyes. "You mind if I…uh…we sit here? All the others are taken and I don't really fancy sharing a compartment with my cousins." Remus smiled politely to convey assent, but James frowned. "You…I have seen you before. You are a Black, aren't you?" The boy's slate gray eyes turned stormy gray. For a moment it seemed like he would either burst into tears or storm out of the compartment. But he did neither. He merely slumped into the seat next to Remus and murmured, "Yes. Not that I am proud of it." And looked away. James glanced at the fourth boy cursorily before turning back to the book. The hours then ensued without too much interaction, and conversation if any was between James and Remus. The only time the other two boys joined in was when the discussion turned towards the houses.  
"I will be in Gryffindor. I know I will. Potters are always in Gryffindor." James glanced perfunctorily at the gray-eyed boy, but it didn't go unnoticed by any of them. T  
he latter turned towards James and said huffily, "And all Blacks are in Syltherin. But I wont be, of that I am sure. And if I am forced into Slytherin, I will leave the school." The determination in his eyes as he spoke the words seemed to Remus as genuine, though a trifle unnecessary. James looked at him with renewed respect, and Remus with concealed interest and a tiny bit of amusement. The fourth boy looked on, with a mildly interested, yet puzzled expression on his face.  
"James Potter. And this is Remus…er…Remus-".  
"Lupin. Remus Lupin." Said Remus as he too shook hands with the gray-eyed boy. "  
I am Sirius…Black." He faltered a bit while saying his last name, and both Remus and James now grasped the reason behind it. Or at least a part of it. "Finally a Black who isn't loyal to the pure-blood mania." thought Remus. James smiled kindly at the fourth boy, who said in a squeaky high-pitched voice, "My name's Peter Pettigrew. I live with my gram-er…grandmother. I am in first year…" he trailed off, grinning sheepishly.  
"Hey, Peter, Pass me the box of Bertie's Every-flavored Beans, please…"  
"Remus, tell Sirius and Peter about that parchment-charm!"  
"I will, if Sirius gets off the book he's sitting on!"  
"So Potter…what's your quidditch team?"  
And conversation that thus began culminated into a bond of friendship, no, beyond friendship…a bond of brotherhood. On that not-so-sunny day in September, four young boys sowed the seeds of a friendship that would go through many trials and tribulations in the years to come.


	3. Hope

Hope  
Embers that burn, embers that fade  
Eyes that seek refuge behind that façade  
Tales of unparalleled fury and ruth  
A ray of hope destroyed by truth  
Only to be reborn  
Yet again at the break of dawn  
Keeping a secret is like holding water in your closed fist. The tighter you hold on to it, the faster it slips out. Remus learned to appreciate this ephemeral quality of secrets early in their second year.  
It was a Tuesday. The third full moon of the second year was approaching. Habit and apprehension made Remus twitchy and clumsy, as the evening approached. He sat alone in the common room, waiting for Professor McGonall to come and escort him to the willow. He had been happier after coming to Hogwarts than ever before in his life. He was getting the education of his dreams, nothing constantly reminded him of his alter identity, the beast, and he had three great friends. He had forgotten what it was like to have friends. They would explore the castle and the vicinity, play pranks, and visit the kitchens for food. They would have meaningless banters, half-hearted fights, homework marathons, and midnight flying sessions. They could talk about anything under the sun in their dorm- their space. Their dorm was where they found out about Sirius' antagonistic relationship with his family. Their dorm was where they found out about the secret crush James had on a second year Gryffindor, Alice Wilkins. And their dorm was where Sirius confronted Peter about his fear of the dark, and found out that it had to do with his parents' death at the hands of the Dark Lord. The dorm had uncovered many of their secrets. But not this one…  
Remus had felt guilty on many occasions before for not confiding into his closest mates. But he immediately chastised himself for being so naïve. Which self-respecting wizard would accept the existence of a dark creature in their midst? What if he lost the only friends he had made in a long time? What if someone else found out? He'd be out of the school before you could say 'werewolf'. Dumbledore was working hard to keep him in the school. He mustn't let him down. But what about his friends? James and Sirius entered from the portrait hole, after quidditch practice. "Hey Remus, mate! Are you feeling okay? You look quite pale. Perhaps you should…" Sirius trailed off, looking at James. James knelt down beside Remus in concern, felt his forehead and said, "You feel all clammy and cold, Remus. Should we escort you to the hospital wing?" Behind him, Sirius' face mirrored the expression of concern that James had. Remus jerked spastically, swatting James' hand off and edging away nervously. "I am all right. Its just…my mother again, James. I am sorry." He finished pathetically, unable to look up into either boy's eyes. Neither boy backed off at this uncharacteristically strange behavior. "You will have to go home again?" whether that was a question, statement, or a rhetoric question, remained unanswered, as Professor McGonagall chose that moment to walk into the common room. "Lupin, are you ready? Very well, then, I shall escort you to Hogsmeade." They had reached the portrait hole, when Remus heard James call from behind, "Professor, Can I have a word with you?" "Is this really urgent, Potter"  
"Um…yes"  
Professor McGonagall left Remus near the entrance and moved a little into the common room. Remus' hearing being sharp due to the full moon, he could hear the conversation pretty well.  
"Professor, Remus' mother… do you think she is going to be okay?" _They were concerned about him…his mother…_  
" I hope so, Potter"  
"Maybe we should accompany him? For support and all that?" _They really cared…  
_"No, Black, I don't think that will be necessary. I will however convey your sentiments to Lupin."  
"But Professor-". _Sirius. Always too persistent for his own good._  
"Don't push it, Black. I don't want to take any more points off my own house, and you have lost us enough points after your little escapade in the trophy room with Rosier and Snape."

The next three days were a haze. The wolf had been particularly vicious this time, as if to mark a raging internal conflict. Even as Remus was being torn apart in his mind regarding betraying his friends' trust, the wolf has practically torn him apart physically. It was only on Saturday morning that he was able to return to his dorm. Only Peter was there, reading his transfiguration text. Remus winced as he sat heavily on the bed. Peter smiled at him a trifle tentatively, and for the first time following a full moon, he saw something other than concern in the other boy's eyes.  
"How are you holding up, Remus?"  
"I'll live. I missed a lot of work, didn't I?"  
"How's your mother?"  
"She is fine. Not in very good shape, but the doctors-muggle healershave-"  
James and Sirius walked in, laughing about something. Seeing Remus in the dorm, they instantly fell silent, moving to his side.  
"Remus! How are you?" _This was definitely out of order. Sirius had never looked so serious about anything in the past. _  
"All right I guess…my mother-"  
James and Sirius sat down on either side of Remus.  
"Remus, we know." James said the words quietly, yet forcefully. Remus' insides ran cold. They knew. _They knew_. Oh, Merlin…  
"What are you talking about, James?" his voice was surprisingly calm, if a trifle artificial even to himself.  
"I can't believe you didn't tell us before…something as big as this…Remus what were you thinking of?" Remus forced himself to look up. Sirius looked genuinely disappointed.  
_I have let them down. They want out of this…not that I blame them. I am the monster here._  
"What was I thinking of? You ask me what was I thinking of? I'll tell you…I was thinking that after seven long years I had friends…people who treated me as equals. People who weren't scared of me. People who cared. Now look what has happened. Look at you all. Peter here looks at me like I will bite him any minute now. Sirius, you think I have let you down and discounted your safety for my selfish reasons. And James-"  
"Remus, mate, will you listen to us for a minute?" James' words were reasonable, but his voice betrayed a sense of frustration that Remus misread as anger.  
"You are right. You all are right. I don't deserve friends. Why would a monster need friends anyway? I am better off alone. Should have never come here. Look, I'll talk to Dumbledore tonight and tell him this was all a big mistake and that I should leave Hogwarts"  
James and Sirius looked at each other and then at Remus. There was no convincing him when he was in this mood. "Fine! Be that way. Hate yourself. Call yourself a monster. Seclude yourself. But don't expect anyone else to like you or respect you when you can't like or respect yourself." Knowing that he now had Remus' attention completely, James softened his tone. "Remus, we came to tell you that we don't care if you are a werewolf one night a month. Okay, I take that back. We do care, but in a good way. We care about you, see?" Remus looked on blankly as if he didn't register what James was saying. Peter edged closer, drawing courage from Sirius and James, mumbled almost incoherently, "We are friends. Why should this come in the way?" He didn't sound entirely convinced though. Sirius sighed impatiently. "Remus, you are not leaving Hogwarts, and if you are we're coming with you. Now, you wouldn't want to deprive us of our education, would you? I mean that'd be pretty cruel coming from someone who gets on my case for not completing my assignments…" Remus' lips quirked up in an uncertain smile. "You really mean it? You don't mind about my being a-" "Monster." Sirius finished with a smile. "No, we don't. If fact it'd be sort of cool to have our very own monster. How many people at Hogwarts can boast of having their personalized monster?" Remus smiled. Genuinely. They didn't mind. Sirius had used the word monster affectionately, as if to describe a kid brother. They were his friends. All he knew at that moment was that he had three of the greatest friends on the surface of the earth.


End file.
